Stop Micromanaging Your Teen’s Social Life

They’re not toddlers. They’re trying to grow up—and gatekeeping every hangout is doing real damage.

Yesterday, when I was struggling to write an article for another publication and asked for encouragement, one of you suggested I just “write angry.” I had planned to do that to jump-start the other piece, but then something happened that not only took me off-task—it made me the kind of angry one needs to write about immediately. Buckle up, parents of teenagers.

Since When Do Teenagers Need Permission to Have Friends?

Ok, maybe I’m being slightly hyperbolic, but why are teenagers—especially those over 16—still having to ask their parents for permission before they leave the house? No, I’m serious, this is happening. Maybe it’s just where I live in Charlotte, North Carolina, but I’m hearing similar stories from other people in other states: parents of teens between the ages of 16–18—young men as well as young women—are still insisting their children get permission to visit friends outside their homes. Before you ask, I’m not talking about situations in which the teen needs to borrow the car or get a ride—although I’ll get to that separately in a minute—and it’s not because they’ve been grounded or have chores.

Let me be very clear: parents are simply saying “no” to their children going out to socialize, and their reasons seem wildly age-inappropriate:

• “I haven’t met their parents.”

• “They don’t go to the same school as you.”

• “They don’t live in our neighborhood.”

• “They are the opposite sex.”

• “They live too far away.” (Apparently, 10 miles is "too far away.")

• “They have a job/don’t have a job.”

• “They are a year older/younger than you are.” (Even when we’re talking months, not years.)

• “You didn’t ask me soon enough.” (In some cases, a week in advance isn’t considered “soon enough.”)

Before we go any further, I want to get back to the issue of needing a ride because I can already hear some of you saying, “Oh come on, I’m sure some of this has to do with transportation—it has to!” Sure, sometimes teens do need rides if they don’t have their own cars, but I have personally experienced this phenomenon multiple times, with multiple parents of teens, who still give their children the third degree—and routinely say “no” even when another parent offers to pick up and drop off! That’s usually when the “I haven’t met their parents,” or “they’re the opposite sex,” or “they live too far away” excuses come into play.

Why This Makes Me Angry

As you’ve probably already guessed, this is personal. I have one almost-seventeen-year-old daughter still at home who is an extrovert. Like so many teens today, she makes friends online—most of whom are friends of existing friends she knows in person. They’ll talk on the phone or FaceTime for a few weeks, get to know each other, and when they’ve “vetted” each other sufficiently, they’ll make a plan to “hang out,” either two at a time or in a small group. “Hanging out” usually involves meeting at a café or mall to chat or walk around, seeing a movie, or—if they’ve met in public a few times already—heading to someone’s house for pizza, gaming, or just chatting in person for a couple of hours.

To people of my vintage (GenX), this already sounds like more work than we would have done. We’d meet kids at school, in our neighborhood, at a park, a movie theater, or the mall… strike up a conversation, and next thing you’d know, you’d be on the phone long enough to get in trouble because someone else needed it. Then you’d jump on your bike or find a friend with a car and head out to “meet up with my friends.”

Our parents—if they even knew any of this was going on—usually said something like, “Ok, be home by curfew!” Maybe they’d ask who the kids were, and if they knew their parents, but if you said “Nah,” they wouldn’t say, “Well then you can’t go! Get back here this instant.” I’m laughing just imagining it.

In contrast, my daughter’s generation are the lockdown teens. They lost two years of their childhoods, cooped up at home most of the time, unable to communicate with other people their age except online. It may be hard for us to imagine making all your friends online, but they had no other choice. Even kids who weren’t homeschooled quickly learned how to use technology to make and maintain connections with other kids—and if they didn’t, they were likely very lonely.

And loneliness among teens isn’t just anecdotal. According to the CDC’s 2023 Youth Risk Behavior Survey, over half of U.S. high school girls and nearly a third of boys reported persistent feelings of sadness or hopelessness, a steep rise linked in part to social isolation. A 2022 Pew Research Center report also found that teens report increased difficulty making and maintaining in-person friendships, particularly post-pandemic, and many say they feel anxious in social settings where they must initiate or maintain conversation.

So when I see my daughter and her online friends putting in the effort to make plans to “hang out” in person, only to have those plans derailed by a parent who can’t seem to accept that it’s perfectly normal for teenagers to make their own plans—or who doesn’t trust their teen’s judgment at all—it makes my blood boil. How are they going to learn to set boundaries, take calculated risks, and reduce their social anxiety if parents don’t ease up a bit?

Case in Point: The 18-Year-Old Whose Mom Said “No”

This brings us to the event that set me off today. My daughter has a friend—let’s call him Simon (not his real name)—who is 18. He’s a senior in high school and they met through mutual friends. I’ve met him. He’s a good kid: shy, but hardworking, with his own car. He helps take care of his younger siblings and grandmother—the kind of person you’d want your daughter to befriend.

The last time Simon and my daughter “hung out” was about three weeks ago. I drove her to a local boba tea shop to meet him, and then they walked around a nearby Goodwill store thrifting for about an hour. I stayed nearby—not to hover, but because it was too far from home to drop off and come back. I sat at another table doing some work, then browsed the store while they finished shopping. I liked him. It was refreshing to see two teens chatting and laughing and just being teenagers.

Fast-forward to today. They had made a plan to have lunch and hang out at a local food hall. He was going to pick her up, take her there, and bring her back—because he “felt bad” that I had to drive last time. I said, “Sounds like fun!” and “That’s considerate of him.”

But then my daughter realized she had a lot of studying to do for the ACT and didn’t want to spend as much time in the car. So she asked if they could go somewhere closer instead. Simon said sure—but a couple of hours later, he called her to cancel. “My mom said no,” he said. “She doesn’t like that we changed our plans.”

OK y’all, help me out here. What the…? He’s eighteen. It’s his car. The change was minor—closer, less driving, same time frame. But apparently, that was too much for his mother. When my daughter asked if there was anything she could do—like have me talk to his mom—he said no. She just doesn’t like “sudden changes in plan.”

At first I wondered if he was just making an excuse, but my daughter said she could hear his mom yelling in the background—specifically about the change in plans.

Needless to say, they were both disappointed. I was too. It made no sense, and it wasn’t the first time a parent has interfered with plans like this.

A Pattern of Gatekeeping

Over the past year, I’ve seen a pattern. Parents refusing to let teens get together unless it’s under their roof. It happens more often with girls—even when their friend is also a girl—but I’ve seen it with boys too. I’ve invited my daughter’s friends to our home, but their parents rarely allow it unless she goes there first. And every time she tries to meet someone—male or female, group or one-on-one—the other mom insists on calling me to “meet” first.

I’ve been grilled more times than I can count. Actual questions I’ve been asked:

• “Why doesn’t your daughter go to school?”
  – She’s homeschooled.

• “Yes, but why?”

• “How long have you lived in your current house?”

• “Why does she have a different last name than you?”

• “What kind of car do you drive?”

• “Will you be staying at the movie with them?”

What has happened to us? Is this generational? Cultural? Geographic? I've heard similar stories from other states, so I don’t think it’s just Charlotte, or me. And if these questions were truly about getting to know me, I’d be fine with it. But they’re not. They’re about control.

Let Go—They Have to Learn Somehow

Teenagers are supposed to be preparing for independence, not just in terms of jobs or driving, but in managing relationships, risk, and their own time. If parents keep inserting themselves into every friendship, every plan, every text thread—how will their kids learn to navigate life without them?

Trust doesn’t mean being reckless. It means giving your teen enough room to grow. Let them make plans. Let them choose friends. Let them decide how to spend an afternoon—without needing to submit a proposal a week in advance.

The world is hard enough to navigate without your own parents standing in the way. Gatekeeping your teen’s friendships may feel like protection, but often, it’s just fear dressed up as love. And fear won’t teach them anything—except not to tell you next time.